|Mar 15th, 2009
President Barack Obama has announced a stimulus plan for
the 2009 NCAA Tournament. Under the proposal, the most successful teams will
have wins removed from them and redistributed to the most inept squads.
At a rally to promote his plan, Obama told a citizen
merely identified as “Joe the Face Painter” that the successful teams must
“share the victories.”
The 2009 Big Dance brackets see Yeshiva
College as the top seed in the
Eastern Regional. The Reverend Jesse Jackson immediately demanded a boycott of
all Yeshiva games noting that the school has no black rabbis on their staff.
The surprising top seed in the Western Regional is Trinity
When conservative commentator Laura Ingraham pointed out that Trinity
Washington does not even have a men’s basketball team and that they may have
been given top seed because it’s the alma mater of Speaker of the House Nancy
Pelosi, Vice President Joe Biden was quick to respond.
Biden retorted, “When the stock
market crashed, I recall President Franklin Pierce going on ESPN and reassuring
their bracket office pools would get a New Deal.”
Obama also announced creation of the Gerrymandered grouping,
the “Somewhere in the Vicinity of the Pacific Ocean Region” in which Sacramento
State was given top seed. When posed
as to why the Hornets are going to the Big Dance with a 2-27 record, Obama
commented that head coach Brian Katz should not be help accountable for the
fact the team has only deteriorated under his leadership because the program he
inherited had problems “wrapped in a big red bow when he got there”.
State will be granted a free pass
for four years and possibly eight if the New
York Times plan succeeds. Wright State
was given the top seed in the Midwest because Obama
likes the name.
In a related note, President Obama’s choice for Selection
Committee Chair, Dave Bliss has come under fire. Apparently unknown to the
White House vetting committee is the fact that Bliss was fired as Baylor head
coach when he tried to cover up circumstances surrounding the death of player
Patrick Dennehy. Selection Sunday Spokesperson Jim Harrick called it “a minor transgression” and blamed the
controversy on Rush Limbaugh.
This year’s NCAA Tournament will be broadcast exclusively
by MSNBC with radio play-by-play being handled by Air America.
Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews will handle objective
commentary on television while Arianna Huffington of the Huff and Puffington
Post does the radio chores.